Single girls saving money for weddings, not my sanity....

An article in Today’s Metro wound me up. Not sure why exactly, but I figured that a few minutes of ranting onto my keyboard might help me figure that out.

It was about a poll conducted by Norwich Union (polls alone wind me up, but that’s for another blog) about single girls that are saving for their Big Day. According to this poll, one in five unattached girls is saving for their wedding, one in four would take a second job to save for it and two in five would blow their life savings on a wedding. It also says rather casually “[a wedding that] will typically cost £17,000, a study shows”.

Wow, I’m so annoyed I don’t know which one to rant about first.

I would love to see the real results from this poll. How may single women were asked? 100? 200? Saying “one in five” is a sneaky way to report it, as it hints that one fifth of the single female population are doing this, when it fact it is one of five of the poor women who were suckered into answering some stupid questions or paid to respond in some way. Either way, it’s hardly representative.

Then I get upset thinking about these women (if they do actually exist). My God girls, don’t you have house deposits to save for? Or a life to live now? When I was single the last thing I was saving for was my wedding. Saying that, I wasn’t saving much at all so maybe they’re much more sensible than I am. I was too busy having fun and steadfastly saying I’d never get married. But I did. And I sure as hell didn’t spend all my life savings (small as they were) on it!

And £17,000?! I’d like to see that study too. Honestly, where do they get these numbers from? Yes, you can spend £17,000 on a wedding. You could also spend £5,000. Is £17,000 really the ‘typical’ amount, let alone the average. Don’t get me started on averages.

I think what my anger really stems from is the reason behind this poll. And the report that talks about it too. Will it make singletons out there think “Blimey, I’d better start saving too?”. I’m not saying that everyone is a sheep, but as human beings we pay attention to what others are doing and behave accordingly, we can’t help it. What real, possible reason could there be behind it than Norwich union looking for a way to make more money?

Ah, wait a minute, what was I thinking? Why get angry about yet another industry making money out of marriage? If I do that I’ll be dead before I’m forty. The sun goes up, the sun goes down, and there are people cashing in on weddings.

And Godammit, I’ve talked about that poll – I’m just as bad as the Metro! I have to go and shower… I feel soiled now.

Bride with nothing to hide?

My wedding industry client wants me to research some alternative weddings for a new area of wedding content. I'd link to it, but then you might find out who I am so I'll let the suspense linger some more.

Anyway, Elvish Weddings are done, so where do you go from there? Aha! Look what the wonderful internet showed me today: nude weddings.

From one extreme to the other - from gorgeous flowing elvish gown and grand costumes to none at all, I love it!

You may have guessed that I'm very liberal. If people want to say their wedding vows in Elvish, good on them, if they want to say "I do" in scuba gear 100 feet underwater, (or rather sign it with that clever diving sign language) fair play and if they want to get married tackle out and with nipples galore, good luck to them.

My respect for these kind of people mostly stems from an appreciation of their sheer guts. Not in a million years could I have turned around to my Mum and said amidst the glossy bridal mags and cups of tea "Actually Mum, bollocks to all of this wedding dress malarky, I'm gonna walk down the aisle wearing nothing more than a smile."

I guess with this couple, they're nudists, or naturalists or whatever is the PC term for them, so it isn't an act of bravery for them, more an act of normality. (Don't get me started on normality.) I would insist on a long veil at the very least, just to get me through the long bits of the ceremony when I would know that everyone would be eying up my backside and its eclectic distribution of cellulite. At least it removes the "Will my bum look big in this?" factor. Yes, yes it will. And there will be many, many photos.

But maybe there is a bigger picture here (there'd have to be with my behind). Maybe this is also a backlash against the consumerist madness that has taken over weddings. What better way to reject this awful celebrity culture and designer label worship by saying "I'd rather let my guests see all the wobbly bits than be sucked into spending money I don't have."

Personally, I'd rather get a bank loan and the dress than let my guests see me in the nuddy. But hell, I can dream about the celebrity culture backlash - come on world, let's trash the celebrities instead of the wedding dresses!

A ring bearer that knows he's cool?

Okay, so now there is a new standard for wedding ring bearers – you need to have a pointy beak and feathers. And be a bird of prey.

I’m not kidding; today I saw a wedding news article about the wedding ring being dropped into the Groom’s hand at the appropriate moment by a trained Harris Hawk. Now, birds of prey know they’re cool, but having one as your ring bearer!? That’s added stress during the wedding ceremony that I could do without.

Apparently the poor Best Man had to command the bird to swoop down and drop the ring into the Groom’s hand - a pretty critical thing at a very specific time. But as anyone who has had any contact with small children and animals knows, they never do what you want, when you want them too. In this scenario, many potential cock ups come to mind. What if the Best Man gave the signal but no bird came? What if the little thing stayed up in the rafters, donning his mini designer sunglasses and didn’t come down till there was a good dead mouse there to tempt him?

What if it took a dump on Aunty Mildred’s Very Nice Wedding Hat, or landed on the Vicar’s head and started to peck? The font might have turned into the best birdbath in the world ever and that’s assuming the thing doesn’t just fly out of the door and off with that wedding ring never to be seen again. Blimey, obviously I’m just too much of a worrier to have feathered ring bearer. Give me a grumpy boy dressed as a sailor any day.

No news is equality news

So Mr Duncan MP is having a civil partnership ceremony and it's all over the news. This makes me miserable. Don't get me wrong, I am really chuffed for the guy and I think civil partnership is a great thing, what makes me miserable is that it merits as news. If there were real equality for gay men and women, no-one would bat an eyelid about this. I don't think a Shadow MP qualifies as enough of a celebrity to get onto the Celebrity weddings list, so it's because it's a gay wedding and he is in the public eye that has made the hoo ha.

Argh, even me writing about this here means that I'm doing the same and reinforcing this inequality. Ignore what I just wrote - go on, forget it, else I'm just as guilty as everyone else. Or am I? Blimey, I'm all muddled now. Perhaps I should just say "Congratulations Mr Duncan," and get on with writing about something else.

Trash your wedding dress

Came across an article today about this new trend of trashing the wedding dress for the wedding photos. I suppose this is some kind of post-consumerist backlash against being precious about an expensive dress. Or just a fad. I dunno, but there are wedding photographers out there that are getting very excited about it. One was talking about how great it was to be able to photograph the bride wading in the sea, fully done up in her wedding gown. Another talked about the bride being thrown in a dumpster….

Arty farty stuff maybe, or maybe this is also something new for these poor wedding photographers who must be pig sick of the same old wedding photos. Bride and family, Bride and Groom, Bride having buckets of paint thrown over her in some mad trash the dress session… yeah, maybe I suddenly see the appeal. Let’s all go and trash our wedding dresses now!

Elvish Weddings

It’s official, mediaeval weddings are now passé, the really cool kids are having elvish weddings.

So what the hell is an elvish wedding when it’s at home I hear you cry. Well, it’s not a drunken spectacle for fans of Elvis The King, it’s dressing up like the elves from Lord of the Rings, down to fancy crowns, floaty dresses and even (but only for the most dedicated) saying your vows in elvish.

I’m all for it. Have you watched Lord of the Rings? The Elves are the really, really pretty ones, who have the best magic, the best frocks and the best castles. Why not have an elvish wedding? It guarantees a lovely wedding gown and the best wedding tiaras ever that make anyone look pretty. It also means that if you and your man want to have wedding vows that only you understand, maybe because they're a bit rude, or a bit soppy or you’re just private people, you can say them in Elvish and neither Aunty Nora nor your Mum will have a clue what you’re saying. Just make sure you get your translation from a reputable source, some really dedicated LOTR fan site or something, you don’t want to end up saying “Sod off you hobbit footed idiot” when you’re trying to express your undying love.